The Mind of Scotti

Haven't done one of these in quite a few months. I guess with the happenings of the last few days, and today in particular, now might be the time for a blog. People use blogs for many reasons, and one of those is reflection and to pour out feelings over things that happen. That's my goal tonight. So basically, I'm single now. Ingela broke up with me today. I can't say I didn't see it coming with the way she had grown and changed so rapidly lately. It hurt a lot. No doubt that is obvious. At the same time...it made me angry. Not like super angry, but perturbed quite a bit. Even if I did see it coming.

I guess I'm most angry about the fact that she laid out her feelings in the first email about things, but when I responded she accused me of just defending myself and that was part of why this had to happen...what the hell? Was I supposed to just sit there and agree to everything she thought was a fault in me and just take it hard up the ass like that? So defending and maybe showing how I feel about the things she said is a bad thing? I'm just supposed to be a follower in the relationship? Maybe that wasn't her point but it came off that way.

The other thing that irked me was how much she kept saying stuff like "Others and I decided" or "I talked to others and we came to the conclusion" type things. Basically her mom and best friend thought it was not good for her in the relationship and instead of trying to work out the differences just cause we hit a rough patch, she bailed. I'm most angry cause instead of trying to work past a rough patch in our relationship after a year and a half of smooth sailing she just bolted and took the easy way out. That's what got me the most upset. She says she still loves me...but our relationship just ended instead of being worked out. That is what hurt me the most.

But god damn it I still love her. So very much. Part of me wants to hate myself for that after the pain this caused, but she was my first love and that will probably never go away. She wants to be friends, and maybe some point down the line that can be....I just can't do it right now. I can't just pretend that nothing happened that we didn't have something special. That we didn't share so many firsts together. That we didn't love each other so much. That I didn't want to marry her one day. I can't do that. So for now I guess we just won't talk and go on with our lives for the moment.

The worst part is I realized that with us being long distance...my life won't change much after today. I'll still be at my parent's house. Still job hunting. Still going to classes or whatever. Still in my hometown. Doing the things I do everyday. The only difference is I won't hear her voice on the phone and feel my heart soar. Or get overjoyed to see her login to Aim to talk. Or sit and talk for hours about comics or the RPG we had or politics or anything. No one to send texts to all day about my day and wait eagerly for responses. None of that.

All that being said, I'm not going to let this keep me down. Wallowing in the grief gets no one anywhere. What's done is done. I can't change that. All I can do is take it one step at a time and live my life and try to make the best of it. I'll probably never be over her fully, and even if I do I don't want to even think about the idea of another relationship anytime in the future cause I'm just not gonna be ready for that. But I'm going to be positive and enjoy what comes in life. If our paths should come together again when we're in better places and such I'd welcome it. But at the moment they have diverged and nothing will be the same between us for the foreseeable future. So cheers to the rest of 2010 and whatever it brings our way. Good or bad, head up strong and keep on trucking or something like that.

Bits O' Scotti 2/26

While still waiting on the money from financial aid, things are moving forward for a move back to St. George in a few months time. Mostly the plans consist of packing up things that aren't being used anymore and the like. A lot of things are just in my room right now and not being used cause being a sort of "guest" still in this room I can't really make it homey feeling. That and I spend most time on my computer as sitting on the little bed in this tiny room to watch a movie....not really appealing. I think just like the last time I moved out once in my own place again I'll be able to get back to watching movies out in a family/living room, reading books, all the stuff I enjoyed before.My sister is coming with me this time, so that will be really interesting. I love my sister, and have tons of fun with her so it's a very welcome thing to have her along. Also means I won't have to live alone again, which was fun but really lonely before.

Because of the crappy state of California, pun intended, my mom was fired from her second job cause of stupid upper management politics where a boss was just covering his ass by getting rid of her. At the same time the school principal at my old Elementary School where my mom works, is trying to get rid of Teacher's Aide's which will cost her the job she's had for getting close to two decades now... With her worsening medical condition, my dad still out of work after retiring and not able to find a new job, and both my sister and I still unemployed...things are looking bleak. Thus why sister and I need to get out of the state so we can actually get jobs and move ahead in life. I feel bad somewhat leaving...but to stay here will hurt them worse.

On another note my drive for writing has returned and I've begun back on my fan fiction commitments in earnest. At the same time I'm going ahead with my first novel finally. The working title is "Wanderers" and it will be a book of short stories all connected by a bar called 'Wanderers' that shows up in each story in some way. Most of it grew from a short story I did for Creative Writing a few years ago that I really liked. I also have another novel idea for a story called "Solo" that I'll work on later this year. So I hope to have a book published by this summer at last :)

Following the suggestions of others I've blocked and cut links to a cancer that was causing nothing but harm to the writing community that I find myself part of. Online drama of the sort disgusts me, because I have dealt with it the last few years in writing and RPG sites including the one I run currently. With all ties cut to the cancer, I say good riddance.

Recently saw Sherlock Holmes, New Moon, and Valentine's Day while visiting my girlfriend. I liked Sherlock Holmes a lot more than I thought I would after hearing dismal reviews from my parents about it, which sunk in cause my dad seems to love like every movie made strangely. New Moon, actually surprised me as well. While I still cringed and wanted to close my eyes during parts with Pattinson and Stewart together, Taylor Lautner is actually a pretty good actor. I actually could feel the emotions and stuff from him in his part. The other two were like wooden planks reading cue cards most times. And the werewolves were far superior to the sparkly wannabe vampires. Valentine's Day was a nice little piece, that I found myself laughing at many of the things and actually enjoying. It was for my first double date with my girlfriend and her best friend and best friends boyfriend. We all enjoyed it, which was a capper to a fun night.

V-Day Weekend

So this weekend I went back to St. George, and it was like going home again. I had missed the area so much that I was giddy when I saw it from the windows of the plane and for more than just seeing Ing though that was the major thing on my mind. It was our first Valentine's Day together since we hadn't been in the same area last year after the parental crap of splitting us apart. Thus I wanted to make it special for her. I bought her a bear and Fame as I knew she wanted that. Jelly Beans and a picture frame with one of our latest couple pictures as well. I also bought her a special gift. Even though I thought it was corny, I bought some fake rose petals to sprinkle on the bed for V-Day night. She loved it though so it made it better. We went on a double date with her best friend Cassie and Cassie's boyfriend Josh to Red Robin and to see the movie Valentine's Day. First double date ever, and I really enjoyed it. The movie was actually pretty good and funny. I also saw Sherlock Holmes with her, which I loved, and New Moon which besides the Edward parts (lol) was actually pretty good. Taylor Lautner is actually a pretty good actor. I can see him going someplace in the future and not just seen as "The Twilight Guy" like Pattinson.

The trip back to Sac was just horrid. The flight from St. George to Salt Lake City was fine and quick. From SLC home...well that is another story. Right away when I got my boarding passes in St. George I saw that my flight that was to leave at 11:17 am was delayed to Noon. That was okay, not a bad delay. I get to Salt Lake and see it's been delayed a half hour more. Was a bit miffed but dealt with it. Turns out the delay was cause they had no crew....figure that. Then they board us to leave at 12:25.....and a flight from Cincinatti is late with people that need to transfer so we had to wait for them. As they are finally boarding...the pilot announces that there is a mechanical glitch on the plane and they will try turning it off and then on like a computer to reboot. Apparently that didn't work so they had to go pilfer a part from another plane after a half hour of the on and off game. Then we had to wait twenty more minutes for them to go fill out paperwork for the part switch and call corporate with the information. Finally at 1:30 (two damn hours after I should have been in the air) we were taking off for a long hour and forty minute bumpy crappy cramped ride. Thanks a lot for that Delta. Glad my $413 was so worth it.

I'm ready for moving to St. George soon and all that will come with that. Made some plans in my head today for my future. My batteries are re-charged from seeing my gorgeous Ingela, and I'm ready to tackle the world again. Bummed to be back in Cali, but it won't be for long so I have that to look forward to. I'll just call this a stopover before my full move in like a month and a half. Come on Financial Aid, come through! lol. So expect to see stories from me and new work on a book (had major inspiration on my horrid plane ride home) and much much more!

Four Days

Four more days. Now that I got that out there lol, I guess I'll write about recent days. Things are...well things are okay for the most part. I'm working hard at not letting the little things bother me and for the most part it's working. I've regained some contact lately with some of my old friends and dialogue has begun somewhat. Not a lot, mostly just comments on status or such on Facebook, but it's something. I don't expect that things will just roll back to old times or honestly ever get to that spot. I'm not naive. I know that a lot has changed since before I moved away and it would be hard for it to just go back or come to some semblance of before. It's enough right now just to be semi talking.

Next week I get to have my first Valentine's Day with Ingela, and it feels good. I still detest the holiday as a commercial trap for couples lol, but it's nice to have someone to spend the time with. We're getting close to a year and a half in our relationship and I love her more and more each day. We may be far apart but I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I may not be able to be there for her right now in bad times, but I like to think and I hope that my voice on the phone and my words are enough to help bring some comfort in tough times. Like today during the worry over parent's saying her stomach pains could be pregnancy. Now we both knew that it wasn't since she had her period and we're safe, but just them mentioning it put the worry in her head and she went to get a test. I tried my best to keep things light and fun on the phone as she walked to keep her from getting to worried. I hope it helped.

Well not much else lately to say, besides there might be some hope soon regarding Utah. My sister published a poetry book and I'm really proud of her for it. In fact she will more than likely be coming to Utah with me and I'm really happy for that as besides Ingela she's my other best friend and it would be nice to have her there as we share many likes in common that I don't share with Ing. That way I get to do things I like on both sides and have a great time in a new life :)

Support System

Support. It's something that is needed for anything really stand tall and be strong as possible. Without strong and good support even the most well built of buildings would tumble down. Support is what keeps us going day after day no matter what is thrown at us. Whether that support comes from family, or a loved one, or even a good group of friends it's the same. It keeps you steady and true, while keeping you upon the path you need to walk in life. Without good support a person is likely to waver and fall back into bad behavior or fall off the path into disarray. One can not underestimate the importance of support.

My support system was damaged before. I had built myself what I thought was a sturdy system but there were flaws. The support wasn't really built around the people that surrounded me. It was built around a common place. A school and a work place that was what brought us all together. Without those places the support began to crack and eventually crumble. There is no one to blame as it is just the nature of such things. Sometimes a friendship that is believed to be is only so because of common circumstances and thus is life.

Support was needed again in my case, yet I couldn't find a way to build it. Contact was lost with all those from before as they drifted away to new and exciting things. Wallowing in the debris of before, the future slipped by. A new support system is being built, still a bit shaky but sturdier by the day. One of the most important parts of the center is Ingela, holder of my heart. Along with my sister, it all helps me along each day. The two of them are the base for a new support system. The support is never fully completed as there is always room for more, yet for now there is none. Perhaps the future might hold more...

Days and Years

Seventeen days. Two years. One year and four months. All three are significant amounts of time to me right now. In seventeen days I get to see Ingela again after almost two months at that point. The sporadic amount of time we get to see one another breaks my heart a little cause life is so much simpler with her in my arms and by my side. I don't worry. I don't procrastinate. I don't destroy my life with negativity over and over. Everything just seems so perfect when were together. I look forward every moment to the day I can be with her for good and no more having to travel back and forth and long for another day together.

Two years. It's been just over two years since I took the first fateful trip to Utah that changed everything in my life. I recall it was the first of many times that I lied to my parent's to their faces about things that had to do with Utah and the girls there. I recall how everyone feared for my safety going, but I did it anyways. I remember getting off the plane in Las Vegas and navigating the airport to spot two girls with a sign with the name of the online RPG thorough which we met. I vividly remember spotting one of them and thinking about how beautiful she was and hoped she was the one I was there for but then reality set in and I recognized the other one as the girl I had come for.

Everything about that trip set in motion what was to come. My failed romancing of the first girl that led to nothing but heartache, betrayal, debt, and me being used day after day for months. Yet I kept going back even though I knew it was bad for me. I was that stupid. It set up my deciding to move there to get away from life. It led to me ditching my friends for the flat open spaces of Utah. It led to months of fun but also pain. Losing my friends cause of my stupidity. Yet I found my heart again near the end as I finally realized who I wanted more.

One year and four months. That's how long Ingela Rundquist has officially had my heart. Sure it was hers before she or even I knew how we felt, but on that day that we came together I knew that my life had taken a change for the good at last. So many great things have come out of that day. More than I can ever do justice through words. Suffice it to say I'm a happy man cause of her, and that will never change. My heart is hers forever.

Ramblings of A Sleepy Man

So here is my blog for the day to keep up with this daily updating of...well of my life I guess. I spoke last night of the new me and how I've improved. How I take each day positively now and work my best to keep staying positive and enjoy what I have. So today I'm not gonna go into all that again. It's boring right? Right. Instead I'm gonna talk about pretty much whatever pops into my mind at the moment. My brain moves a mile a minute most times and I barely store one idea away before ten more are popping up after it. My mind never really stops to take a breather. On the train. In class. In line at the store. I'm always full of story ideas and creative things that I love to do. Just yesterday morning on the train I envisioned an entire novel and it practically began writing itself in my head.

I've been trying for years to keep myself focused and on task to write a novel. Unfortunately nothing has come as of yet. Either I lose interest, can't work the idea like I thought, or let life get in the way. This year it's different. I set myself up with a handful of goals this year, opposed to resolutions as I hate that term since it's just a fad thing to do at New Years and ditch later for most people.

Goal #1: Lose weight. For years while working at Togos I was steadily losing weight as I ate good every day and worked hard and really sweat a lot off in the god awful hot area we worked in. I also was the runner going back and forth most days. Then I quit and moved and became sedentary and it all came rushing back. No more. Salads and yogurts are my new favorite foods to eat after getting myself to steadily eat them. So far no seeming results but I feel much better.

Goal #2: Stay positive. Self explanatory

Goal #3: Find a job and move to be with Ingela. A goal that leads me to the future I want.

Goal #4: Head towards finishing school at last. Harder to do with things the way they are, but a goal nonetheless.

And Goal #5: Write and publish a novel

So novel...here I come. I can feel it coming, and I can feel it finishing this year. This is my year, and I'm ready for it.

Listener At Last

Sitting here reading and writing and preparing for bed, I realized "By golly I have another blog in me." (Yes yes my inner mind speaks like a 50's sitcom...consider it I'm very youthful looking for my age or something). The last two years...well they haven't been my most stellar. I'll just put that out there. I lied. I backpedaled. I procrastinated heavily. I entered a downward spiral of depression and self deprecating behavior. In essence I destroyed the core of what is me. I took everything good in my life and systematically destroyed it for not other reason than one pathetic excuse for a girl told me she had feelings for me. Sure that turned out to not be true, but no matter how much she hurt me with her lies I hurt myself the most. I almost killed Scotti.

Now that's not all dark and depressive like suicidal thoughts or emo stuff like that. No, I became a shell of my former self. I took my friends for granted and expected so much of them while truly I never really gave back in many cases. I played the games that I accused others of playing and thought myself the better person. I took life itself for granted and watched it waltz on by as it changed and grew and matured and yet I stayed stagnant.

Then I finally saw the light I guess could be said. It took awhile sure. The love of a fantastic woman helped, yet I was still blind to all things. Around the turn of the year I finally saw the bigger picture. The haze faded and all was revealed. And I saw it all. The future. The future I want. The present I desire. Gone was the negativity that plagued me daily. I can't say it's all gone because none of us can truly be positive at all times. For years I claimed myself a listener over a talker, but for the first time I truly listened. And I heard what others had stated to me for years.

Many times a friend told me something along the lines of (and I'm paraphrasing here as my mind is fuzzy) you basically can't rely on life to hand things to you always, you have to take and make what you want. I always nodded and said I heard what she was saying...yet I wasn't. I heat it now and it resonates. Sure I'm still in debt deeply right now. I'm at community college with no chance of getting back into my old University. I'm living at home again for the last year and a half. The thing is...none of that really matters. Sure it does matter in the sense they need to be rectified in some cases, but I'm not letting it get me down. I want to be debt free. I want to further my education. I want to finishing writing and get published. I want to one day marry the woman I love and maybe start a family. I want to be a better friend and person. And I will get those things. Because I believe in me and what I can accomplish. I'm complete once again, and Scotti has returned and he's not leaving again.

Somewhat Closer, Somewhat Further

So I'm gonna attempt to keep this up to date each day with at least a little something. I'll call it a free writing experiment to keep my writing skills sharpened. So toady was the second day of school at Sac City. It's odd being in community college after six years at University, but I'm reaping what I sowed during those years of procrastinating and skipping willy nilly (Yes I used Willy Nilly, and no I'm not your grandfather...at least I don't think so...). Anyways I was going to take Creative Writing with my sister, but she got in during registration and I ended up on the wait list. So we went to class and instead of taking roll right away so that those that wouldn't be able to get in could go the teacher decided to make us do a writing exercise. So that ate up about 35 minutes of him talking and and ten mintues of that as the acutal writing. Once he took roll all but three pre-enrolled folks showed up. So persons one through three on wait list got in...I was five. So I'm a bit bummed that sis gets to take class and I have to just wait around for her during that time but that's just the way it is.

I was a bit irked that with this budget crisis they cut classes so much that people are flooding classes they don't want or need for units, so those people got in over me who wanted to take that class. There was even one dude talking outside the room about how he was just in the class cause he needed another class to stay on a sports team... uber lame.

Now begins the journey to find a replacement class to keep me in the same amount of units...which is all but impossible with classes cut so much that everythign is snatched up. We'll see what happens next week.

Umm...I guess that's about it today. I sort of wish I had done better at keeping to my stuff at Sac State to have finished years ago like I should have, but this journey has taught me a lot...maybe I'll talk about that tomorrow.

A Whole New Me...

Forgotten. That about describes this blog. Over a year ago, in the last stretch of 2008, I decided to chronicle my days and my thoughts here in a blog. I made it through two entries before I just about forgot about it until finding it again recently. I look back at that person I was then, and I laugh. Not cause of lameness of the posts or something so juvenile. No I laugh cause I hardly recognize that person. So full of bile and resentment. Full of negativity and heartache. I hardly know who I was anymore at that point. I could go into detail about the times of 2008, but they matter not. The past is the past, and all I can do is learn from it. Hiding within the good times of before and cursing the bad does nothing for my present or my future. I'm a different man now than I was then. The love of a good woman keeps me going in hard times, and a new positive outlook upon life is helping day by day. There is a lot of beauty and grace in this world and to deprive myself of such sights while diving into negativity is criminal.

Do I miss the old days? Working alongside my friends and enjoying life to the fullest all the time? Sure, but I can't wallow in that anymore. I need to move forward and embrace what is coming. It's a hard journey to be sure. There are still bumps to be smoothed out. Plans to be made. But in the end I'll be able to hold my head up high and say "I did it. I did this." And that is a feeling that is worth every step of the way.