Listener At Last

Sitting here reading and writing and preparing for bed, I realized "By golly I have another blog in me." (Yes yes my inner mind speaks like a 50's sitcom...consider it I'm very youthful looking for my age or something). The last two years...well they haven't been my most stellar. I'll just put that out there. I lied. I backpedaled. I procrastinated heavily. I entered a downward spiral of depression and self deprecating behavior. In essence I destroyed the core of what is me. I took everything good in my life and systematically destroyed it for not other reason than one pathetic excuse for a girl told me she had feelings for me. Sure that turned out to not be true, but no matter how much she hurt me with her lies I hurt myself the most. I almost killed Scotti.

Now that's not all dark and depressive like suicidal thoughts or emo stuff like that. No, I became a shell of my former self. I took my friends for granted and expected so much of them while truly I never really gave back in many cases. I played the games that I accused others of playing and thought myself the better person. I took life itself for granted and watched it waltz on by as it changed and grew and matured and yet I stayed stagnant.

Then I finally saw the light I guess could be said. It took awhile sure. The love of a fantastic woman helped, yet I was still blind to all things. Around the turn of the year I finally saw the bigger picture. The haze faded and all was revealed. And I saw it all. The future. The future I want. The present I desire. Gone was the negativity that plagued me daily. I can't say it's all gone because none of us can truly be positive at all times. For years I claimed myself a listener over a talker, but for the first time I truly listened. And I heard what others had stated to me for years.

Many times a friend told me something along the lines of (and I'm paraphrasing here as my mind is fuzzy) you basically can't rely on life to hand things to you always, you have to take and make what you want. I always nodded and said I heard what she was saying...yet I wasn't. I heat it now and it resonates. Sure I'm still in debt deeply right now. I'm at community college with no chance of getting back into my old University. I'm living at home again for the last year and a half. The thing is...none of that really matters. Sure it does matter in the sense they need to be rectified in some cases, but I'm not letting it get me down. I want to be debt free. I want to further my education. I want to finishing writing and get published. I want to one day marry the woman I love and maybe start a family. I want to be a better friend and person. And I will get those things. Because I believe in me and what I can accomplish. I'm complete once again, and Scotti has returned and he's not leaving again.