Support System

Support. It's something that is needed for anything really stand tall and be strong as possible. Without strong and good support even the most well built of buildings would tumble down. Support is what keeps us going day after day no matter what is thrown at us. Whether that support comes from family, or a loved one, or even a good group of friends it's the same. It keeps you steady and true, while keeping you upon the path you need to walk in life. Without good support a person is likely to waver and fall back into bad behavior or fall off the path into disarray. One can not underestimate the importance of support.

My support system was damaged before. I had built myself what I thought was a sturdy system but there were flaws. The support wasn't really built around the people that surrounded me. It was built around a common place. A school and a work place that was what brought us all together. Without those places the support began to crack and eventually crumble. There is no one to blame as it is just the nature of such things. Sometimes a friendship that is believed to be is only so because of common circumstances and thus is life.

Support was needed again in my case, yet I couldn't find a way to build it. Contact was lost with all those from before as they drifted away to new and exciting things. Wallowing in the debris of before, the future slipped by. A new support system is being built, still a bit shaky but sturdier by the day. One of the most important parts of the center is Ingela, holder of my heart. Along with my sister, it all helps me along each day. The two of them are the base for a new support system. The support is never fully completed as there is always room for more, yet for now there is none. Perhaps the future might hold more...

Days and Years

Seventeen days. Two years. One year and four months. All three are significant amounts of time to me right now. In seventeen days I get to see Ingela again after almost two months at that point. The sporadic amount of time we get to see one another breaks my heart a little cause life is so much simpler with her in my arms and by my side. I don't worry. I don't procrastinate. I don't destroy my life with negativity over and over. Everything just seems so perfect when were together. I look forward every moment to the day I can be with her for good and no more having to travel back and forth and long for another day together.

Two years. It's been just over two years since I took the first fateful trip to Utah that changed everything in my life. I recall it was the first of many times that I lied to my parent's to their faces about things that had to do with Utah and the girls there. I recall how everyone feared for my safety going, but I did it anyways. I remember getting off the plane in Las Vegas and navigating the airport to spot two girls with a sign with the name of the online RPG thorough which we met. I vividly remember spotting one of them and thinking about how beautiful she was and hoped she was the one I was there for but then reality set in and I recognized the other one as the girl I had come for.

Everything about that trip set in motion what was to come. My failed romancing of the first girl that led to nothing but heartache, betrayal, debt, and me being used day after day for months. Yet I kept going back even though I knew it was bad for me. I was that stupid. It set up my deciding to move there to get away from life. It led to me ditching my friends for the flat open spaces of Utah. It led to months of fun but also pain. Losing my friends cause of my stupidity. Yet I found my heart again near the end as I finally realized who I wanted more.

One year and four months. That's how long Ingela Rundquist has officially had my heart. Sure it was hers before she or even I knew how we felt, but on that day that we came together I knew that my life had taken a change for the good at last. So many great things have come out of that day. More than I can ever do justice through words. Suffice it to say I'm a happy man cause of her, and that will never change. My heart is hers forever.

Ramblings of A Sleepy Man

So here is my blog for the day to keep up with this daily updating of...well of my life I guess. I spoke last night of the new me and how I've improved. How I take each day positively now and work my best to keep staying positive and enjoy what I have. So today I'm not gonna go into all that again. It's boring right? Right. Instead I'm gonna talk about pretty much whatever pops into my mind at the moment. My brain moves a mile a minute most times and I barely store one idea away before ten more are popping up after it. My mind never really stops to take a breather. On the train. In class. In line at the store. I'm always full of story ideas and creative things that I love to do. Just yesterday morning on the train I envisioned an entire novel and it practically began writing itself in my head.

I've been trying for years to keep myself focused and on task to write a novel. Unfortunately nothing has come as of yet. Either I lose interest, can't work the idea like I thought, or let life get in the way. This year it's different. I set myself up with a handful of goals this year, opposed to resolutions as I hate that term since it's just a fad thing to do at New Years and ditch later for most people.

Goal #1: Lose weight. For years while working at Togos I was steadily losing weight as I ate good every day and worked hard and really sweat a lot off in the god awful hot area we worked in. I also was the runner going back and forth most days. Then I quit and moved and became sedentary and it all came rushing back. No more. Salads and yogurts are my new favorite foods to eat after getting myself to steadily eat them. So far no seeming results but I feel much better.

Goal #2: Stay positive. Self explanatory

Goal #3: Find a job and move to be with Ingela. A goal that leads me to the future I want.

Goal #4: Head towards finishing school at last. Harder to do with things the way they are, but a goal nonetheless.

And Goal #5: Write and publish a novel

So novel...here I come. I can feel it coming, and I can feel it finishing this year. This is my year, and I'm ready for it.

Listener At Last

Sitting here reading and writing and preparing for bed, I realized "By golly I have another blog in me." (Yes yes my inner mind speaks like a 50's sitcom...consider it I'm very youthful looking for my age or something). The last two years...well they haven't been my most stellar. I'll just put that out there. I lied. I backpedaled. I procrastinated heavily. I entered a downward spiral of depression and self deprecating behavior. In essence I destroyed the core of what is me. I took everything good in my life and systematically destroyed it for not other reason than one pathetic excuse for a girl told me she had feelings for me. Sure that turned out to not be true, but no matter how much she hurt me with her lies I hurt myself the most. I almost killed Scotti.

Now that's not all dark and depressive like suicidal thoughts or emo stuff like that. No, I became a shell of my former self. I took my friends for granted and expected so much of them while truly I never really gave back in many cases. I played the games that I accused others of playing and thought myself the better person. I took life itself for granted and watched it waltz on by as it changed and grew and matured and yet I stayed stagnant.

Then I finally saw the light I guess could be said. It took awhile sure. The love of a fantastic woman helped, yet I was still blind to all things. Around the turn of the year I finally saw the bigger picture. The haze faded and all was revealed. And I saw it all. The future. The future I want. The present I desire. Gone was the negativity that plagued me daily. I can't say it's all gone because none of us can truly be positive at all times. For years I claimed myself a listener over a talker, but for the first time I truly listened. And I heard what others had stated to me for years.

Many times a friend told me something along the lines of (and I'm paraphrasing here as my mind is fuzzy) you basically can't rely on life to hand things to you always, you have to take and make what you want. I always nodded and said I heard what she was saying...yet I wasn't. I heat it now and it resonates. Sure I'm still in debt deeply right now. I'm at community college with no chance of getting back into my old University. I'm living at home again for the last year and a half. The thing is...none of that really matters. Sure it does matter in the sense they need to be rectified in some cases, but I'm not letting it get me down. I want to be debt free. I want to further my education. I want to finishing writing and get published. I want to one day marry the woman I love and maybe start a family. I want to be a better friend and person. And I will get those things. Because I believe in me and what I can accomplish. I'm complete once again, and Scotti has returned and he's not leaving again.

Somewhat Closer, Somewhat Further

So I'm gonna attempt to keep this up to date each day with at least a little something. I'll call it a free writing experiment to keep my writing skills sharpened. So toady was the second day of school at Sac City. It's odd being in community college after six years at University, but I'm reaping what I sowed during those years of procrastinating and skipping willy nilly (Yes I used Willy Nilly, and no I'm not your grandfather...at least I don't think so...). Anyways I was going to take Creative Writing with my sister, but she got in during registration and I ended up on the wait list. So we went to class and instead of taking roll right away so that those that wouldn't be able to get in could go the teacher decided to make us do a writing exercise. So that ate up about 35 minutes of him talking and and ten mintues of that as the acutal writing. Once he took roll all but three pre-enrolled folks showed up. So persons one through three on wait list got in...I was five. So I'm a bit bummed that sis gets to take class and I have to just wait around for her during that time but that's just the way it is.

I was a bit irked that with this budget crisis they cut classes so much that people are flooding classes they don't want or need for units, so those people got in over me who wanted to take that class. There was even one dude talking outside the room about how he was just in the class cause he needed another class to stay on a sports team... uber lame.

Now begins the journey to find a replacement class to keep me in the same amount of units...which is all but impossible with classes cut so much that everythign is snatched up. We'll see what happens next week.

Umm...I guess that's about it today. I sort of wish I had done better at keeping to my stuff at Sac State to have finished years ago like I should have, but this journey has taught me a lot...maybe I'll talk about that tomorrow.

A Whole New Me...

Forgotten. That about describes this blog. Over a year ago, in the last stretch of 2008, I decided to chronicle my days and my thoughts here in a blog. I made it through two entries before I just about forgot about it until finding it again recently. I look back at that person I was then, and I laugh. Not cause of lameness of the posts or something so juvenile. No I laugh cause I hardly recognize that person. So full of bile and resentment. Full of negativity and heartache. I hardly know who I was anymore at that point. I could go into detail about the times of 2008, but they matter not. The past is the past, and all I can do is learn from it. Hiding within the good times of before and cursing the bad does nothing for my present or my future. I'm a different man now than I was then. The love of a good woman keeps me going in hard times, and a new positive outlook upon life is helping day by day. There is a lot of beauty and grace in this world and to deprive myself of such sights while diving into negativity is criminal.

Do I miss the old days? Working alongside my friends and enjoying life to the fullest all the time? Sure, but I can't wallow in that anymore. I need to move forward and embrace what is coming. It's a hard journey to be sure. There are still bumps to be smoothed out. Plans to be made. But in the end I'll be able to hold my head up high and say "I did it. I did this." And that is a feeling that is worth every step of the way.