Been awhile since I posted. Times have changed and with them just about everything in my life. Nothing smashes your plans like the unexpected curve balls of the bitch called life. Eviction. Pay in three days or leave. Those were the words that greeted me almost two weeks ago. The world seemed to crumble away as everything I had tried to work for in Utah fell apart totally. The two weeks of packing and time we belived we had was gone. New plans unfolded as my dad flew out to help me return. Arguements were had. Cross words exchanged. And stress rose incredibly. Suffice it to say things worked out and my roommate Ingela, our cats, and myself were transported along the barren roads of Nevada and Arizona back into California.
Sadly life has kept up it's habit of bitch slapping me at any particular moment. The money we had coming to us to set up our new home and life here didn't work out as planned. With no one to turn to for money at this point we are living out of my parent's home. Being at home is cool but I long for my own space. For a bed over the couch. To get back to my life and enjoy my time. But unless the money appears soon we are destined to spend our time here till we can afford to move. Things are up but at the same time down. It's a roller coaster ride straight from hell. I'll have to send a gift to the devil, he does good work.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
I'm Not That Guy
A blog. I know me starting a blog now. Way to get with the times Scotti boy. I guess this is my way of gaining some more introspective thought upon myself by getting it out and down. Seven months. Seven months I have been away from my home. Away from those that cared about me in some way. It's been a tough seven months to be sure. I've loved, lost, begged, pleaded, lied, schemed, and pretty much turned my back on everything I used to be. All of it for a girl.
I know shocker. In the best stories it's always a woman isn't it. We tend to do anything in most cases for those that we love. If they return that love in kind it can be a wonderful journey for all involved. Then there are those cases where you just give and give. You sacrifice your entire life for them. But it's still not enough. They rip your heart out and use you every moment of the day. All the while loving someone else the entire time. No matter how much they hurt you the love is still there so you continue to fall into that trap, again and again.
My first love I guess you could say. First time I ever understood that it was love. First girl that ever felt back about me the way I felt about her. In the past I had a string of rejection miles long. Always falling for the wrong girls. Always more a friend than a boyfriend. So I stopped looking. And that's when I found her. Everything seemed so perfect. She liked me. We loved a lot of the same stuff, but also had enough differences to learn about each other. I flew out to visit her. It was magical right off the bat. First night there had my first kiss ever. I came back home missing her even more. So I flew her to my place for Valentine's Day. Even though I was sick as a dog we had a wonderful time. Everything was great.
Then came the email. After she got home she sent me the email that broke my heart the first time. She had a boyfriend. She claimed to be confused but didn't want to lose him. So I let go trying to forget her. But easier said than done. Holding on I threw all I had away and picked it all up to move to Utah to live with her and a friend all under the banner of just friendship and wanting to try somewhere new. And that was true, in most regards. I can't lie that deep down there was a part of me that hoped that being closer would lead to her wanting me back. And we did get back together, the whole time knowing about her boyfriend. I let my self get sucked into her game. Doing things for her. Buying her things. Everything I shouldn't have done.
And then we moved again, and she broke my heart again. Calling it all off because her boyfriend suspected something. I was devastated. The world crumbled again. So devastated that I let her use me a few more times before she left for a vacation to see boyfriend. My feelings were trampled on and trashed. Now the time has come. The pain fading. The call for home shouting through my head. So I stand on the cusp of a return to all I knew. But with seven months away is the life I remember still possible? Have I been gone too long to retain all that I had before? Will those I know rejoice my return or shun it? Whatever happens home is where the heart is.
The time for pain is gone. In the words of Barney Stinson, "Need to stop being sad. When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be Awesome. True story." So no more being sad. Now I will be Awesome. No more being walked all over and being push over guy. I'm Not That Guy.
I know shocker. In the best stories it's always a woman isn't it. We tend to do anything in most cases for those that we love. If they return that love in kind it can be a wonderful journey for all involved. Then there are those cases where you just give and give. You sacrifice your entire life for them. But it's still not enough. They rip your heart out and use you every moment of the day. All the while loving someone else the entire time. No matter how much they hurt you the love is still there so you continue to fall into that trap, again and again.
My first love I guess you could say. First time I ever understood that it was love. First girl that ever felt back about me the way I felt about her. In the past I had a string of rejection miles long. Always falling for the wrong girls. Always more a friend than a boyfriend. So I stopped looking. And that's when I found her. Everything seemed so perfect. She liked me. We loved a lot of the same stuff, but also had enough differences to learn about each other. I flew out to visit her. It was magical right off the bat. First night there had my first kiss ever. I came back home missing her even more. So I flew her to my place for Valentine's Day. Even though I was sick as a dog we had a wonderful time. Everything was great.
Then came the email. After she got home she sent me the email that broke my heart the first time. She had a boyfriend. She claimed to be confused but didn't want to lose him. So I let go trying to forget her. But easier said than done. Holding on I threw all I had away and picked it all up to move to Utah to live with her and a friend all under the banner of just friendship and wanting to try somewhere new. And that was true, in most regards. I can't lie that deep down there was a part of me that hoped that being closer would lead to her wanting me back. And we did get back together, the whole time knowing about her boyfriend. I let my self get sucked into her game. Doing things for her. Buying her things. Everything I shouldn't have done.
And then we moved again, and she broke my heart again. Calling it all off because her boyfriend suspected something. I was devastated. The world crumbled again. So devastated that I let her use me a few more times before she left for a vacation to see boyfriend. My feelings were trampled on and trashed. Now the time has come. The pain fading. The call for home shouting through my head. So I stand on the cusp of a return to all I knew. But with seven months away is the life I remember still possible? Have I been gone too long to retain all that I had before? Will those I know rejoice my return or shun it? Whatever happens home is where the heart is.
The time for pain is gone. In the words of Barney Stinson, "Need to stop being sad. When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be Awesome. True story." So no more being sad. Now I will be Awesome. No more being walked all over and being push over guy. I'm Not That Guy.
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