Haven't done one of these in quite a few months. I guess with the happenings of the last few days, and today in particular, now might be the time for a blog. People use blogs for many reasons, and one of those is reflection and to pour out feelings over things that happen. That's my goal tonight. So basically, I'm single now. Ingela broke up with me today. I can't say I didn't see it coming with the way she had grown and changed so rapidly lately. It hurt a lot. No doubt that is obvious. At the same time...it made me angry. Not like super angry, but perturbed quite a bit. Even if I did see it coming.
I guess I'm most angry about the fact that she laid out her feelings in the first email about things, but when I responded she accused me of just defending myself and that was part of why this had to happen...what the hell? Was I supposed to just sit there and agree to everything she thought was a fault in me and just take it hard up the ass like that? So defending and maybe showing how I feel about the things she said is a bad thing? I'm just supposed to be a follower in the relationship? Maybe that wasn't her point but it came off that way.
The other thing that irked me was how much she kept saying stuff like "Others and I decided" or "I talked to others and we came to the conclusion" type things. Basically her mom and best friend thought it was not good for her in the relationship and instead of trying to work out the differences just cause we hit a rough patch, she bailed. I'm most angry cause instead of trying to work past a rough patch in our relationship after a year and a half of smooth sailing she just bolted and took the easy way out. That's what got me the most upset. She says she still loves me...but our relationship just ended instead of being worked out. That is what hurt me the most.
But god damn it I still love her. So very much. Part of me wants to hate myself for that after the pain this caused, but she was my first love and that will probably never go away. She wants to be friends, and maybe some point down the line that can be....I just can't do it right now. I can't just pretend that nothing happened that we didn't have something special. That we didn't share so many firsts together. That we didn't love each other so much. That I didn't want to marry her one day. I can't do that. So for now I guess we just won't talk and go on with our lives for the moment.
The worst part is I realized that with us being long distance...my life won't change much after today. I'll still be at my parent's house. Still job hunting. Still going to classes or whatever. Still in my hometown. Doing the things I do everyday. The only difference is I won't hear her voice on the phone and feel my heart soar. Or get overjoyed to see her login to Aim to talk. Or sit and talk for hours about comics or the RPG we had or politics or anything. No one to send texts to all day about my day and wait eagerly for responses. None of that.
All that being said, I'm not going to let this keep me down. Wallowing in the grief gets no one anywhere. What's done is done. I can't change that. All I can do is take it one step at a time and live my life and try to make the best of it. I'll probably never be over her fully, and even if I do I don't want to even think about the idea of another relationship anytime in the future cause I'm just not gonna be ready for that. But I'm going to be positive and enjoy what comes in life. If our paths should come together again when we're in better places and such I'd welcome it. But at the moment they have diverged and nothing will be the same between us for the foreseeable future. So cheers to the rest of 2010 and whatever it brings our way. Good or bad, head up strong and keep on trucking or something like that.
